Mentalizing: The Art of Seeing With More Than One Pair of Eyes
There are moments in life when we find ourselves stuck — circling the same arguments, misreading a colleague’s silence, or feeling misunderstood by someone close to us. In those moments, it’s easy to collapse into our own perspective, certain that we know exactly what’s happening. But what if we paused long enough to consider not only our own inner world but also the inner world of the other?
This is the heart of mentalization: holding in mind both our own thoughts and feelings, and those of the people around us. When paired with empathy, it allows us to step out of the narrow tunnel of “my story” and into a wider, more connected way of being.
The truth is, mentalizing doesn’t come automatically. It’s a skill of the mind, one that has to be learned, practiced, and refined over time. When we’re stressed, overwhelmed, or deeply triggered, it often collapses. Instead of reflecting, we assume. Instead of staying open, we fall into black-and-white thinking or quick reactions. This is why strengthening our capacity to mentalize matters so much: the more we train it, the more accessible it becomes, even in difficult moments.
Mentalization rests on a few simple yet powerful abilities. It begins with turning inward — noticing what we feel, naming the thoughts running through us, and paying attention to the signals of our body. From there, it expands outward — imagining what might be going on in the other person’s inner world, even when it differs from our own. It also asks us to attune to subtle signs: the tone of someone’s voice, the tension in their posture, the look in their eyes. And perhaps most importantly, it invites us to hold our interpretations lightly. We remind ourselves that the story we create about another’s experience may not be the full truth.
Researchers describe different ways we mentalize. Sometimes it happens instantly and without effort, like when we can sense a friend’s sadness before they speak. Other times it takes deliberate reflection, slowing down to really consider what’s happening inside us and inside the other. We can mentalize through thought, using reason and perspective, or through feeling, by tuning into the emotions that resonate in the space between us. And we can direct it inward, toward ourselves, or outward, toward others. A balanced mix of these ways of mentalizing is what allows us to remain both grounded in ourselves and connected to those around us.
When we weave all of these threads together — self-reflection, perspective-taking, emotional attunement, and humility about our own certainty — mentalization becomes a practice of curiosity and compassion. It doesn’t mean we always get it right, but it keeps us open. And in that openness lies the possibility of connection, understanding, and growth.
Building up the skill of mentalizing - a practical guide
Mentalizing is like a muscle — the more often we practice, the more natural it becomes. This reflection is not about judging yourself or the other, but about opening a wider, kinder perspective.
Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed for a few minutes. Close your eyes if you like, and take a few slow breaths. Bring to mind a recent situation that stirred up strong emotions for you. As you move through the following questions, let your answers arise gently. There is no need to force clarity — simply notice what comes.
What am I truly feeling in this moment, beneath the surface reaction?
If I step into the other person’s world for a moment, what fears, hopes, or longings might live there?
How might holding both perspectives — mine and theirs — shift the way I understand this situation?
Where do I sense my certainty hardening — and how can I soften into curiosity instead?
If I were to respond from the wisest, most compassionate part of myself, what would that look like?
When you finish, take a breath and thank yourself for pausing.. Over time, these small practices strengthen your capacity to mentalize — to see yourself and others more clearly, and to choose connection over reactivity.
Additional Resources
These carefully selected resources offer valuable insights into understanding and managing emotions, anxiety, and stress. They are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional advice.
The Power of Mentalizing: An Introductory Guide on Mentalizing, Attachment, and Epistemic Trust for Mental Health Care Workers by Prof Joost Hutsebaut , Ms Liesbet Nijssens , Ms Miriam van Vessem
Complexity of mentalization, by Zlatoslav Arabadzhiev Rositsa Paunova article published in Front. Psychol., 29 February 2024 : link.
