Why Building Emotional Regulation Skills Gives You More Freedom
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
— Viktor E. Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning
We’ve all been there. Someone makes a sharp comment, a colleague slips a passive-aggressive line into an email, or a partner forgets something important. And before we even notice what’s happening, we’ve already reacted — snapping, shutting down, or spinning into a spiral of thoughts. That’s what it looks like when emotions are in control and we’ve lost our grip on the steering wheel.
But emotional regulation isn’t about silencing feelings or pretending not to care. It’s about something much gentler — creating a little pause between what happens and how we respond. In that pause, we find freedom. Freedom to act in line with who we want to be, not just what flares up in the moment.
And it matters more than we think. When we struggle to regulate emotions, our minds feel heavier, weighed down by anxiety, burnout, or even depression. Our relationships also suffer — conflicts drag on, intimacy feels harder to reach, forgiveness more distant. Even our bodies pay the price. Staying caught in anger, fear, or stress keeps our nervous system on high alert, and over time it drains our energy and wears us down.
So how do we begin to shift? I often think of regulation as building a personal toolbox. Not the kind of box you keep tucked away in a drawer, but one you carry with you and open in the moments that count. Sometimes it’s as simple as putting words to what you feel: I’m anxious… I’m disappointed. The act of naming an emotion softens its grip. Other times, it’s taking a slower breath, letting the exhale remind your body that it is safe. It might mean stepping back and talking to yourself as you would a dear friend: You’ve handled harder things before. You’ll move through this too.
At times, it’s about reframing the story we’re telling ourselves. Instead of they ignored me, maybe it becomes they’re stressed, let me check in. That small shift changes not only the emotion but also what we do next. Even a five-second pause before hitting “send” on an email or responding to your partner can save a moment from becoming a regret.
None of this is about perfection. It’s about space — the space to feel fully without being swept away, the space to choose our response with more clarity. Each small pause, each reframing, each mindful breath is like a muscle we strengthen. And over time, those small choices add up. They give us more calm on the inside, more connection on the outside, and a life that feels closer to the one we truly want to live.
How to reframe the story we tell ourself - a practical guide.
Find a quiet moment and bring to mind a recent situation that stirred up strong feelings. Breathe slowly, and allow yourself to soften into curiosity. Move through the questions one by one, either writing down your reflections or simply sitting with them. Let the answers unfold naturally — there is no need to rush or “get it right.” Use the Feelings Wheal to name the emotion.
What might be alive in me right now — beneath the surface of this emotion, what is the longing or need?
If I imagine the inner world of the other person, what feelings, fears, or hopes might be shaping their behavior?
How does holding both perspectives — mine and theirs — change the way I see this situation?
If I approach this moment with curiosity rather than certainty, what else becomes possible?
From a place of empathy and wisdom, what response would bring me closer to connection, growth, or peace?
Take your time with each question. Notice not only the thoughts that arise, but also the shifts in your body and emotions as you reflect. The aim is not to control the feeling, but to deepen your understanding of it — and from that understanding, to find a response that aligns with who you truly want to be.
Additional Resources
These carefully selected books offer valuable insights into understanding and managing emotions, anxiety, and stress. They are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional advice.
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. Penguin Life.
Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: A Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping (3rd ed.). Henry Holt.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation.
